Stagnation's a bitch. Especially when taken together with uncertainty and lack of fulfilment. It's the sureshot prescription to send you over the edge. So why am I, I wonder, still kicking?
I hate my job. There, I said it. And it's not because I don't like doing what I do, because I love it. It's just...
The new city is also starting to get on my nerves. It would've tolerable if I had something to look forward to. Don't even have that.
What can I say?
Life's a bitch... and then you die. (Thanks Bajwa, but I prefer this version over "... fuck hard")
"Did he leave the building, can he come to the phone? Calling Elvis..."
Mark Knopfler is a very very talented musician. In case you don'k know, Mark is the voice and the wailing guitar that is Dire Straits. And he tells you "...that ain't working, thats the way you do it, you play the guitar on the Em Tee Vee... Money for nothing, and chicks for free!"
Free indeed.
So it's five months to magic number 24, and I'm still no closer to finding a girl. Seriously considering surgery now. Cosmetic, stomach stapling... who cares, as long as all this excess flab gets the fuck out. And the worst part is, my lazy fucking self won't lift its ass out of the bed all day now.
Yipee!
Discovered recently that I can't tell a joke to save my life. I think it's genetic. That would be convenient... blame it on Daddy. How Oedipal of you, someone would say.
Oh who am I kiding, who even talks like that anymore?
P.S. If you're reading this and you know who you are, clap your hands and repeat to yourself, "My new year's resolution will be to stop hiding in the closet and get a life." Christ! Closet crushes are so 1960s.
Maria would have my head for saying that!
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Monday, July 23, 2007
The drugs don't work
I felt for sure last night
That once we said goodbye
No one else will know these lonely dreams
No one else will know that part of me
I'm still driving away
And I'm sorry every day
I won't always love these selfish things
I won't always live...
Not stopping...
It was my turn to decide
I knew this was our time
No one else will have me like you do
No one else will have me, only you
You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine
Amazing still it seems
I'll be 23
I won't always love what I'll never have
I won't always live in my regrets…
[Jimmy Eat World: ‘23’]
How far would you go to forget someone? You could stop seeing them. You could stop talking about them. You could stop hanging out at places that remind you of that person. You might even think about seeing other people. And by this time, you’re probably over that person.
Not me though.
I stopped seeing her last year, it didn’t help. I stopped talking about her, it didn’t help. I stopped going to the places we used to go to, it didn’t help. I started thinking about other people, there was no one else I could bring myself to like.
But there’s more…
I moved to a new city, thousands of miles away, it still didn’t help. I began doing drugs, that didn’t help either. I began taking crazy risks, hoping I’d kill myself somewhere down the line… but it didn’t work. I tried to convince myself that I liked someone else, but that wasn’t true.
Waleed died and Sidra cried. She will never get over it, because this is not the way it was supposed to end. She can’t ever see him again because he’s dead. She can’t have him because he’s dead. It’s physically, chemically and elementally impossible.
You’re still alive. You’re still here. I still can’t have you… ever. That cloudy day, when I was driving on the Mall and you were sitting in your office, and we were both looking at the clouds, you wanted me to tell you who I want to marry and I told you it’s someone you can never get me. That’s because it’s you. You’re the only one I ever loved, will ever love and will always love. Love isn’t a powerful enough word for what I feel. You can never understand what I feel, and that will kill me.
You want to know why I always fought with you? It was because I cared. I fought because it was the only way my emotions could get out. Love and hate are so alike its never clear when one stops and the other begins. But I know now which it is.
From the looks of it, things aren’t going to change. You’re going to keep drifting from one schmuck to another, and I’m going to be condemned to just standing there, watching you throw your life away.
Forever is a long time. Try being in my shoes. I double dare you.
That once we said goodbye
No one else will know these lonely dreams
No one else will know that part of me
I'm still driving away
And I'm sorry every day
I won't always love these selfish things
I won't always live...
Not stopping...
It was my turn to decide
I knew this was our time
No one else will have me like you do
No one else will have me, only you
You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine
Amazing still it seems
I'll be 23
I won't always love what I'll never have
I won't always live in my regrets…
[Jimmy Eat World: ‘23’]
How far would you go to forget someone? You could stop seeing them. You could stop talking about them. You could stop hanging out at places that remind you of that person. You might even think about seeing other people. And by this time, you’re probably over that person.
Not me though.
I stopped seeing her last year, it didn’t help. I stopped talking about her, it didn’t help. I stopped going to the places we used to go to, it didn’t help. I started thinking about other people, there was no one else I could bring myself to like.
But there’s more…
I moved to a new city, thousands of miles away, it still didn’t help. I began doing drugs, that didn’t help either. I began taking crazy risks, hoping I’d kill myself somewhere down the line… but it didn’t work. I tried to convince myself that I liked someone else, but that wasn’t true.
Waleed died and Sidra cried. She will never get over it, because this is not the way it was supposed to end. She can’t ever see him again because he’s dead. She can’t have him because he’s dead. It’s physically, chemically and elementally impossible.
You’re still alive. You’re still here. I still can’t have you… ever. That cloudy day, when I was driving on the Mall and you were sitting in your office, and we were both looking at the clouds, you wanted me to tell you who I want to marry and I told you it’s someone you can never get me. That’s because it’s you. You’re the only one I ever loved, will ever love and will always love. Love isn’t a powerful enough word for what I feel. You can never understand what I feel, and that will kill me.
You want to know why I always fought with you? It was because I cared. I fought because it was the only way my emotions could get out. Love and hate are so alike its never clear when one stops and the other begins. But I know now which it is.
From the looks of it, things aren’t going to change. You’re going to keep drifting from one schmuck to another, and I’m going to be condemned to just standing there, watching you throw your life away.
Forever is a long time. Try being in my shoes. I double dare you.
Saturday, May 05, 2007
Englishman in New York
I don’t take coffee I take tea my dear
I like my toast done on one side
And you can hear it in my accent when I talk
I’m an Englishman in New York
See me walking down Fifth Avenue
A walking cane here at my side
I take it everywhere I walk
I’m an Englishman in New York
I'm an alien I’m a legal alien
I’m an Englishman in New York
That Sting was something wasn’t he? He had this knack for singing the songs that lulled you into a false sense of security and then threw you out as soon as you got comfortable… you know what I’m saying?!
But the point of this post is not to delve into the finer aspects of the poetry of Sting & The Police. No. This post marks the beginning of a new phase in my life.
A new city, new people, a new beginning and a new lease on life. All I felt has been summed up in the opening verses of the immortal song. I needn’t say more.
I like my toast done on one side
And you can hear it in my accent when I talk
I’m an Englishman in New York
See me walking down Fifth Avenue
A walking cane here at my side
I take it everywhere I walk
I’m an Englishman in New York
I'm an alien I’m a legal alien
I’m an Englishman in New York
That Sting was something wasn’t he? He had this knack for singing the songs that lulled you into a false sense of security and then threw you out as soon as you got comfortable… you know what I’m saying?!
But the point of this post is not to delve into the finer aspects of the poetry of Sting & The Police. No. This post marks the beginning of a new phase in my life.
A new city, new people, a new beginning and a new lease on life. All I felt has been summed up in the opening verses of the immortal song. I needn’t say more.
Saturday, July 15, 2006
Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies...
You know you’re going through a withdrawal phase when you start listening heavily to Stevie Nicks and Lindsey Buckingham aka Fleetwood Mac.
It was surreal. Rediscovering, clarifying and lecturing all over again. It was like that night in my room. But this was more impersonal, more forced, more of a struggle.
I knew that things would never be the same. We had drifted too far apart, too much had happened, too much had been said. I would never listen to those songs in the same way I had before. You know how when you’re in love, it seems as if every single lyric, every single verse is talking to you, and the song was meant for you.
Now, the songs have changed. From ‘Iris’ I’ve moved to ‘Outside’. She, however, doesn’t give a flying f**k. And it is at this point that you know that this can never go anywhere but hell.
I had dreams, I had plans. I wanted to do a lot of things. All of that had changed 45 days ago.
Now, I thank the lord that its all over. Now, I can go back to my dreams of world domination.
It was surreal. Rediscovering, clarifying and lecturing all over again. It was like that night in my room. But this was more impersonal, more forced, more of a struggle.
I knew that things would never be the same. We had drifted too far apart, too much had happened, too much had been said. I would never listen to those songs in the same way I had before. You know how when you’re in love, it seems as if every single lyric, every single verse is talking to you, and the song was meant for you.
Now, the songs have changed. From ‘Iris’ I’ve moved to ‘Outside’. She, however, doesn’t give a flying f**k. And it is at this point that you know that this can never go anywhere but hell.
I had dreams, I had plans. I wanted to do a lot of things. All of that had changed 45 days ago.
Now, I thank the lord that its all over. Now, I can go back to my dreams of world domination.
Sunday, July 09, 2006
You did not deserve me, my brothers in arms...
When I start my car at 2:00am and prepare to pull out of the office parking lot, I don't know where I'm going that night (morning if you want to be puristic about it). The car drives itself, and in less than 15 minutes I'm on the same road again, the airport road.
The airport road is not an ordinary road. The lights of the Allama Iqbal International soothe me everytime I look at them. The gentle curves are very reassuring, and the fact that I can find traffic there at 3:00am makes me feel alive.
Chotay loogon kee choti choti khushiyan!
Dire Straits.
The stereo-cum-iRiver blasts 'Brothers in Arms' with the volume at 28.
"There's so many different worlds
So many different suns
We have just one world
But we live in different ones..."
Fast-forward a hurl down The Mall at an average speed of 100kmph in an 800cc car. Arrive at the milkshake shop. Drain two glasses of banana shake (the second one comes free with the big glass at Nukar 54) and its back on the road. Take a right on The Canal and turn the volume up to 29 (it maxes out at 31) and all four speakers blare:
"And have you any dreams you'd like to share?"
None of any great consequence I'm afraid.
It just haunts me. I don't know why, even after saying goodbye that night, it comes back to me. It's becoming very disconcerting now... so much so that I can't even listen to those songs without breaking down.
As the sun begins to com eup at about 4:15am, I turn towards the Main Boulevard, pull into my driveway at 5:00am, go upstairs and remove the songs from my iRiver.
Afterglow - INXS
Annie's song - Joh Denver
Everything - Lifehouse
I dare you to move - Switchfoot
Iris - The Goo Goo Dolls
And the tragedy is, I love these songs.
The airport road is not an ordinary road. The lights of the Allama Iqbal International soothe me everytime I look at them. The gentle curves are very reassuring, and the fact that I can find traffic there at 3:00am makes me feel alive.
Chotay loogon kee choti choti khushiyan!
Dire Straits.
The stereo-cum-iRiver blasts 'Brothers in Arms' with the volume at 28.
"There's so many different worlds
So many different suns
We have just one world
But we live in different ones..."
Fast-forward a hurl down The Mall at an average speed of 100kmph in an 800cc car. Arrive at the milkshake shop. Drain two glasses of banana shake (the second one comes free with the big glass at Nukar 54) and its back on the road. Take a right on The Canal and turn the volume up to 29 (it maxes out at 31) and all four speakers blare:
"And have you any dreams you'd like to share?"
None of any great consequence I'm afraid.
It just haunts me. I don't know why, even after saying goodbye that night, it comes back to me. It's becoming very disconcerting now... so much so that I can't even listen to those songs without breaking down.
As the sun begins to com eup at about 4:15am, I turn towards the Main Boulevard, pull into my driveway at 5:00am, go upstairs and remove the songs from my iRiver.
Afterglow - INXS
Annie's song - Joh Denver
Everything - Lifehouse
I dare you to move - Switchfoot
Iris - The Goo Goo Dolls
And the tragedy is, I love these songs.
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